I don’t know how to forgive myself, and I’ve been so down on myself for so many years, I accepted that I probably won’t ever be able to forgive myself. Some days I can face this realization without any fuss, but in my weaker moments my mind wanders, and I end up dreaming of stupids things I know are forever out of my reach.
I want a family. I want to fall in love, to give everything I have to make something spectacular. I want to spoil my future spouse the day after Valentine’s with 50% of chocolates. I want to spend holidays with in-laws where they critique my mashed potatoes for being half butter. I want to have a daughter and I want to spend Sunday morning with her doing the crossword puzzle in the New York Times. I want to attend my kids high school graduations, and I want to help them move into their college dorms. I want to walk my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. I want to grow old with the person I love, and I want to be surrounded by my family when I pass away.
I don’t want to be rich or famous. I don’t need to be in the best health, and I don’t need to live until I’m 80. I just want to live a life where I’ve spent more time with a smile on my face than without one.
But I don’t deserve that life. I wish I could convince myself that I can earn it, but I’m almost 30 and I’m still alone. I forced everybody out, because I was determined not to give myself any chance of finding my own happiness. I made sure I crushed my hopes and dreams, and yet… I can’t stop having the same dream, every night, and it’s driving me insane…
I keep dreaming of that family, of that life I can’t have, and while watching that family in my dreams hurts more than anything I ever thought possible, it also gives me the faintest amount of hope… but I can’t take it anymore. I either need to find a way to forgive myself so I can seek out this happiness, or I need to put an end to the dreams, once and for all.
Thus, I come back to the pivotal question: Do I deserve to be happy? I’ve been mulling this over for 3 days straight with no sleep, and I still have no fucking clue. So maybe somebody else can just tell me, one way or another. I just need to know..
That little light from your lampshade 
Yes, you do and we all do.
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Everybody is worthy of living a good life that reflects their values. You deserve that too. Hang in there. I had a lot of dark times from ages 7 to 35, about 3 clinical depressions when I felt so dark and worthless. Now I am feeling like everything I learned in the last 40 years (I’m 45 now) has served to make me wise and empathic. Don’t give up on yourself, even if you’re in pain now. Seek some help if you are experiencing depression though. Without the help of some excellent therapists and doctors I might not be here today.
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I keep thinking I’ve already tried everything and I’m still like this. I even lost my passion for writing and had decided to leave this blog, and writing was the only thing that kept me going. I’m back to struggling with the idea that I even deserve to write, deserve that joy, but I did end up coming back. I still feel like I’m to old to not have anything figured out, to be struggling so much, but I guess I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing, it really does help to know people have gotten through these things I’m dealing with before, I just need to maybe ask for more help 🙂
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I’m glad to hear it. Asking for help really sucks (and I actually hate it to be honest) but sometimes others you care about also appreciate being asked for help. It depends, because it needs to be a trusted person. But it’s okay not to have it together all the time (nobody does, and those who seem to are just pretending…). Much love and please take good care of yourself.
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