Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics

The only comfort I can give myself is the reassurance that a monster like me is better off alone

Time slips through my outstretched hand, and I try to grasp at its tail, but those lines are just wisps of smoke, and they roll over my fingers, kissing my knuckles, tickling the scars on my wrists, spiraling up and around my neck, filling my ears with the sound of my own beating heart as I struggle with every breath to let loose those 3 words I’ve never told this lonely soul… even here, at the end of all things, I can’t greet my reflection with any kindness. This is my last chance to say something, to do something that matters, and I’m going to waste it. In this space between what I was and what I can never be, I’ll leave behind these borrowed dreams, the reflection I wish I could have seen. 

It doesn’t matter now. 

Nothing matters now. 

All I ever needed was a dark room and this blanket of loneliness. So of course I hated you, the part of me that dared to dream. You rushed into my world, arrogant in your assumption that we deserve to be loved. All you ever managed to do was hold me down while I slowly suffocated in your delusion of hope. Times up. It’s time to go. No goodbyes are needed between a demon and his shadow.     

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

Do I deserve to be happy?

I don’t know how to forgive myself, and I’ve been so down on myself for so many years, I accepted that I probably won’t ever be able to forgive myself. Some days I can face this realization without any fuss, but in my weaker moments my mind wanders, and I end up dreaming of stupids things I know are forever out of my reach.

I want a family. I want to fall in love, to give everything I have to make something spectacular. I want to spoil my future spouse the day after Valentine’s with 50% of chocolates. I want to spend holidays with in-laws where they critique my mashed potatoes for being half butter. I want to have a daughter and I want to spend Sunday morning with her doing the crossword puzzle in the New York Times. I want to attend my kids high school graduations, and I want to help them move into their college dorms. I want to walk my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. I want to grow old with the person I love, and I want to be surrounded by my family when I pass away.

I don’t want to be rich or famous. I don’t need to be in the best health, and I don’t need to live until I’m 80. I just want to live a life where I’ve spent more time with a smile on my face than without one.

But I don’t deserve that life. I wish I could convince myself that I can earn it, but I’m almost 30 and I’m still alone. I forced everybody out, because I was determined not to give myself any chance of finding my own happiness. I made sure I crushed my hopes and dreams, and yet… I can’t stop having the same dream, every night, and it’s driving me insane…

I keep dreaming of that family, of that life I can’t have, and while watching that family in my dreams hurts more than anything I ever thought possible, it also gives me the faintest amount of hope… but I can’t take it anymore. I either need to find a way to forgive myself so I can seek out this happiness, or I need to put an end to the dreams, once and for all.

Thus, I come back to the pivotal question: Do I deserve to be happy? I’ve been mulling this over for 3 days straight with no sleep, and I still have no fucking clue. So maybe somebody else can just tell me, one way or another. I just need to know..

Posted in My Daily Adventures, My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

“For all of the negative emotions I’ve built up in my veins, I’m still an empty, transparent mistake…”

I’m confusing to the public, regardless of the time, place, or lens through which I am viewed. Smartphone cameras consider my face as a smudge, so at least I can avoid being tagged in pictures posted to social media. But if you don’t exist on Facebook, are you even real? Without my opinions being expressed via Tweets and hashtags, I might as well not have opinions at all! My existence is a lie! Maybe I’m just the first of a new breed of modern ghosts. Maybe, if I spend another 5 years avoiding things like the Sun and any situation that has me interacting with another human being, I’ll finally just become a transparent blob. Perhaps, in that someday 5 years away, people who cast their gaze across the dotted lines of the early morning expressway will experience various levels of awe as they marvel at the modern wonder that is a driverless 2013 Honda Civic. Perhaps those people will even spare a thought as to why anybody would spend the money to retrofit such a vehicle to be self-driving, and perhaps even a few of those people will see the faint outline of my bulging form behind the wheel and realize this isn’t a technological wonder; it’s just a really pale and depressed fat human ragdoll.

Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself. 

Or maybe I just don’t give a fuck about my life.

But honestly? I hate myself, and I believe I deserve to feel this way. 

Posted in My Daily Adventures, My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

World Mental Health Awareness Day: What Depression feels like (for me).

Depression sinks into your very soul, and you stop knowing how to love yourself; the thought just isn’t fucking there, and to even hear it, write it, be surrounded by the constant reminders of “Love yourself” does nothing when you feel as if you need that self love to EARN the love of others. People with depression put much more stock into what others say and think about them versus what they think of themselves. That concept of self love? Do you realize how completely IMPOSSIBLE it SEEMS to someone with depression? Of course self-love is real, and so very important, but seems like utter BULLSHIT to someone with depression. “Why the fuck should I love myself? What have I done to deserve any love?” Those are the thoughts that LIVE inside the mind. Everybody feels those thoughts once in awhile, everybody feels down and useless and yes, we all bend and break and regret and wish for change and a chance to do it over, but people with depression LIVE that. EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND. And sure, in moments they can feel brave, strong, and as if the fight is worth it, but those moments are so, so hard.

As a friend to someone with depression, do not ever say “This shit is getting old.” You’ve only seen the surface, and yes it isn’t fair for a friend to have to ALWAYS deal with someone who is constantly down in the dumps, but if you say that line you are pretty much ensuring some major self-hatred in the future. People with depression understand how much of a burden they can be, how much they place onto others, and how unfair that is.

THAT ALSO ADDS TO THE NEGATIVE/DEPRESSING FEELINGS.

And asking “Well why are you depressed” is an oxymoron; there is no real answer, and thinking about it makes the person feel even worse; they have no “real” reason to feel bad, and that makes the guilt even worse. So what can you do for someone who seems to be suffering from depression? Exist to them. Do not try to take them out of there comfort zone in an attempt to make them “change”. By saying they need change, you enforce the idea that they are broken, which they ARE NOT. They aren’t depressed because they stay in, watch movies, don’t want to go out, don’t want to drink, etc etc. By forcing a change in habit you are forcing a person to believe that to be happy, they HAVE to conform to a new way of life. They just want to FEEL NORMAL DOING EVERYTHING. That is it. Plain and simple. The depressed want to be able to listen music, write a song, go for a walk without feeling so damn, fucking morbid about it. They want to feel what others feel, to feel as if they aren’t wasting time, wasting space, wasting away for nothing. The problem is they never can accept that they need to just do what fulfills them; that whole “do whatever makes you happy” line. Depression means when you find something that makes you happy, you feel GUILTY about it, like why do you deserve something like this? Why do you deserve to smile? To laugh?

THAT IS THE CONSTANT THOUGHT PROCESS FOLKS.

Everything becomes a big question of why why why and o me me me. And to top it all off, they realize how selfish that sounds, to only think about themselves, how this process of constantly feeling as if you deserve nothing is actually dragging down those closest to you, and makes depression a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, to recap all of that: People with depression feel hopeless, and because of that they feel guilty. The guilt is what really kills; guilt of not DESERVING LOVE, guilt of not BEING NORMAL, and also the guilt of not having a REAL REASON to feel depressed. How should you help alleviate this guilt? Try doing something for them that THEY want to do. Go see that movie they mentioned, just because. Grab a bite to eat somewhere they like. Try to bend a little to what they want, what they feel comfortable with, and ease them into new situations. Let them see that what THEY want to do has merit, isn’t weird or strange, and that they can smile without feeling like they aren’t deserving of it. Start small, don’t expect big changes, and don’t expect this whole new person. Put value into what they love, even if they won’t admit they love it, which they won’t because they won’t feel as if they deserve to, but they need to know that it’s all OKAY. Depression takes away the feeling that who we are matters, and breaks us down until we believe we did nothing but waste the time of others, and we need to end that wastefulness ASAP.

Be patient, be kind, remind people how much they matter, how much they mean to the world. Sure, they may not believe you at first (and they won’t) but just hearing it gives pause, gets the gears turning, and for a few precious  moments someone can escape from depression and feel as if the world isn’t crashing down around them. A few more moments like that, and suddenly your head is above water more often than under, and you realize that sure, maybe I can’t breathe underwater like the rest of the fish, but holy shit I can swim!

Posted in My Daily Adventures, My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

“Time erases nothing, but diminishes everything.”

How did things end up like this? 

In the Winter, you were here. 

But then came Summer

And suddenly I can only see you

When I close my eyes. 

Will tomorrow be the same? 

Will the next day be another day 

Where I don’t know you, 

Where I can’t find you at all?

I can’t forgive you,

And I won’t forgive myself.

But I want too…I really want too…

I miss you.

Posted in My Daily Adventures, My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

I just wanted our summer to last forever. I would have given you anything, done absolutely anything, if only you would have promised me you’d stay…

You are a sunburn; you came with happy times spent in sunny days, and you left me with the coming of autumn and the bright orange leaves. So were you ever really there? Will I have any physical reminders of your love on my person? I once heard that every cell in our entire body is destroyed and replaced every seven years. So in a short seven years I will have a body that you will have never touched… and that thought is both beautiful and the saddest fucking thing I have ever heard.

Posted in Poetry, The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

“You kissed me first, so of course this is all your fault. You didn’t have to kiss me… You didn’t have to make me fall in love…”

Your lips bewitched me.

A glossy coat of distilled resin,

Edges tinged by the Sun,

And so my heart lingers

On a shaking yellow dream, 

The same shade 

As dandelion wine.

Your kiss took root,

Sinking into my veins,

A poison, like acid rain,

And it burns, burns, burns,

Until nothing remains

Save for the idling taste

Of ashes on my tongue.