Parting lips push on the air, carrying the weight of your words towards my person. It used to be that the air you gave to me was the lightest thing in the universe. I could float on the things you said to me, glide next to the secrets you entrusted me with. It’s sad to think about that feeling now, because I can only think about what it must have been like. I’ve lost the feeling, and you’ve lost gentle words for me…no, it’s not that you lost them, it’s that I made you take them all back.
So where do I go from here?
I want to blame you. I want to blame you for this heavy burden, for my lack of self-respect, for my need to fall apart. I want to place it all squarely on your shoulders. I want to convince myself that this extra weight was your fault, so it should be your burden.
Except I know it’s not your fault.
This weight is normal gravity, I’ve just broken my own back, so I can’t stand up for myself. You stole nothing, you just stopped accepting things from me, because I had nothing left to offer that would appeal to anybody. You added nothing more to my burden. I wasted myself away into paper-thin ribbon, then threw that ribbon into the sky. I watched as the winds died and my ribbons fell. I watched as the rainy streets soaked each strip, then carried them along the curb and down into the sewer. And while I watched my dreams drown I was struck with only one thought:
I don’t care what happens to me anymore.
I have deleted every contact in my phone. I paid off my car loan and ensured I have enough money in the bank to cover my rent through the year. I made sure every gift and souvenir I once held dear was given a new home. I wrote my parents a letter, so they should be okay. I wrote my brother and sister a separate note, so they should be there to comfort our parents. I’ve written a letter for my friends, so they will know they are all wonderful people, which they should already know, but I want to make 100% sure. Finally, I wrote a letter to myself. It was the easiest piece of writing I’ve ever created, because what else do I really need to say to me? I know the who, what, when, where and why, so a long letter is not needed. All I need are simple words for a simple man, to capture my life in 1 sentence, and then I’ll be off. So to sleep I go, leaving this final sentence as my legacy:
It wasn’t all bad, and you tried your best, and know you have earned this nice, long rest.