It’s never as bad as I think it is, until I realize every bottle in my cabinet is empty, and all I can do is wait and see if I’m going to wake up and find tomorrow, or never wake up again.

I think my subconscious is trying to force my throat shut so I can’t keep downing these pills like fucking skittles. Haha, jokes on me, I’ve spent my entire life forcing bullshit out of my mouth, so forcing some more shit back down? It’s easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, … Continue reading It’s never as bad as I think it is, until I realize every bottle in my cabinet is empty, and all I can do is wait and see if I’m going to wake up and find tomorrow, or never wake up again.

My heart doesn’t want to recognize that you’re gone, so I’ve learned to live without either of you.

It begins where we failed; the end of a broken road, the end of any chance we had at being whole, at being a home. Happiness on our own never seemed like an option; we had the right cards but even still we could do nothing but lament our fate and watch as they all … Continue reading My heart doesn’t want to recognize that you’re gone, so I’ve learned to live without either of you.

“And it’s all the same, just different games… so maybe I am the one to blame…”

How else can I describe this without being redundant? My stomach is tied in knots, spilling out through the holes in my humanity, leaving an empty pit at my center of gravity. The room isn’t spinning, but nothing is stationary. It’s all subtle shifts; light reflecting off curved surfaces, my white wallpaper peeled back to … Continue reading “And it’s all the same, just different games… so maybe I am the one to blame…”

“Etch these words into my skin so I may never forget; I steal my light as a paper moon, only glowing after sunset.”

He creeps into your mind At the most inopportune times, Stealing away precious brain cells And holding in the CO2 That you’ve built up in your veins. Whatever warmth you had Seeps out through your open chest, Replacing the justified anger With docile tones And heavy shakes. You feel leaks, tiny pin pricks, Along all … Continue reading “Etch these words into my skin so I may never forget; I steal my light as a paper moon, only glowing after sunset.”

I’m less than garbage, less than dirt. The lowest of the low…I’m truly the definition of a scummy, wasted, worthless existence.

~I’m sorry Mom~ You raised me with nothing but love and care. You were so small, but I haven’t met anybody who can match your strength. A day never went by where I didn’t get at least one hug from you. But I stole something from you. With every hug, I was betraying your trust … Continue reading I’m less than garbage, less than dirt. The lowest of the low…I’m truly the definition of a scummy, wasted, worthless existence.

“You treated our love like chocolate the day after Valentines; you want it, but it’s not worth retail price.”

You only ever invested enough to enjoy the taste, ignoring the meaning behind the heart shaped boxes. It was all about the moment for you, that sweet, satisfying mouthful. You never let the chocolate take it’s time to melt on your tongue, coating your world in a coco dream. For you, it’s all about quantity … Continue reading “You treated our love like chocolate the day after Valentines; you want it, but it’s not worth retail price.”

“Life with you wasn’t perfect, but it was only with you that I found myself grateful that I was alive.”

I understand that what I’m doing isn’t exactly “healthy,” okay? I can comprehend that the momentary sense of euphoria is the result of a release of endorphins in response to the pain. I could get the same effect from something like running, or fucking. Yet here I am, all alone, exhausted from doing fuck all … Continue reading “Life with you wasn’t perfect, but it was only with you that I found myself grateful that I was alive.”

“With nothing to keep me grounded, all I can do is drift towards the Sun, waiting for gravity, or at least something like that.”

When gravity fails you don’t fall, instead you drift away into the sky as the heat from the sun increases to give you the world worst case of sunburn, and so you are left waiting as you drift, waiting on anything, something, to come save you. Now, replace gravity with love and the same rules … Continue reading “With nothing to keep me grounded, all I can do is drift towards the Sun, waiting for gravity, or at least something like that.”

“I wanted to hear something; not just words, but genuine heart. I wanted to be chased, but not if it meant forcing you to chase me.”

Beyond my understanding The goodness I showed to you Trying not to run From common insecurities If every breath felt the same The sharp intake of oxygen to my brain It’s all the same for you I’m just the same to you You didn’t need it; you didn’t need it My heartbeat, soft as a … Continue reading “I wanted to hear something; not just words, but genuine heart. I wanted to be chased, but not if it meant forcing you to chase me.”

“Draw from me all that you need, I won’t deny you a single thing. Just promise that when you’re feeling okay, someday, you’ll come back for me.”

I regret a lot of things. I regret not getting into bitcoin when it was just starting up. I regret going to college for a degree in Accounting when I hate all things business. I regret not upgrading my popcorn to a large bucket at the movies last week, and using my savings to purchase … Continue reading “Draw from me all that you need, I won’t deny you a single thing. Just promise that when you’re feeling okay, someday, you’ll come back for me.”