Posted in My Daily Adventures, My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

Rainy days are my favorite days, because in the rain I can believe in things like a clean start or second chances.

I waited for you in April, but as the rain came and went, you never revealed yourself to me.  I stayed there, and I’m still here, unable to rise up and enjoy the summer sun. And as this autumn fades into blinding snow, you are often the only thing on my mind. I’m still waiting for you, but each new breath saps all the warmth from my bones, and it’s only here, where my time is frozen, that the truth finally sinks in; I may never get to see you again…

~I wanted to see you blossom, but I never gave you the things plants need, like water or sunlight or…I never nurtured you, I just assumed nature would take care of that. Humans aren’t plants though, and we need silly things like words of encouragement and ice cream trucks and hugs that you wish would never end…because the end is a real thing, for everything, and that hurts…it hurts so damn much…~

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Poetry, The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

“For all the feelings I’ve managed to capture in my words, I’ve never managed to write down anything that could compare to the feeling of kissing you.”

Our kisses were the best.

From the very beginning,

When they were shy and unbalanced,

To spending whole evenings

Buried in each others faces.

Those exchanges were wonderful,

And time made them unforgettable.

Kisses through the Summer,

Seasoned with familiarity,

Containing a dash of desire,

A sprinkling of passion

And the unmistakable rush

Of a blossoming love.

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

Every day is a cloudy day when you can’t even be bothered to open your blinds.

I love the smell of water in the air. It’s so fresh, and it makes the air feel soft as I take a deep breath. That scent adds some sort of fluffy tail to the lasts wisps as they trickle in, tickling the back of my throat, making my lips curl towards the sky. It’s amazing how different my entire body feels when I’m wearing a genuine smile. It’s a feeling I recognize and cherish.

But just as quickly as that familiarity invades my bones, it also begins to seep right back out. That smell of water clicks with other wires in my brain, and I’m rushed into a common scene; me, in front of my bathroom mirror. My clothes lie all around me, and my eyes are focused only on my reflection. I’ve done a good job hiding the scars for years and years, but I can’t hide them for more than a day from myself. And the image I see in the mirror, it always hurts so much…

I love the smell of water, because I love being in water. I love swimming and floating in a lazy river. I love cannonballs and diving into the deep end and going down the waterslide 1 million times. I love playing catch, making insane dives off the pier thanks to the soft landing the water provides. I love relaxing on the beach, sprawled out on a towel, working on my terrible tan lines. I love chowing down on watermelon and popsicles and cans of root beer. I love all of that…I loved all of that…I loved the water when I was a kid. I looked forward to going to Turkeyfoot Lake every weekend. I couldn’t wait to spend an entire day swimming, followed up with barbeques and backyard baseball. I loved catching fireflies at dusk, and lighting sparklers when it finally got dark. I loved my summers.

I loved being in the water, so of course I love the smell of water. But now those memories make my stomach cave in, because I know what will happen now, if I tried to relieve any of those moments. So many questions would be asked, and I wouldn’t be able to answer more than a few.

“When did this start?”

Before my first trip to the lake, I was already cutting, but I was just starting. I made sure to keep things small and in more hidden places, like my thighs and legs, places people wouldn’t see so readily. I already understood at 9 exactly how fucked up this shit was.

“Why did you start?”

I don’t have a good answer for that. The best I can do is this: I started cutting after I stopped peeling my skin and biting my nails. I would pull the skin from my fingers in 1st grade, I remember. I peeled that skin until they would all bleed, and it drove my parents and teachers insane. So, to avoid being yelled at, I progressed to more subtle, accurate methods. A pen prick here, a tiny slash there. It was just easier to maintain.

“Why do you feel the need to hurt yourself?”

Does a cut hurt? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m sure a deep cut would sting. I’m sure if somebody stabbed me, or a samurai sliced my stomach open with his katana, I would be in pain. But these little lines running the length of my arm? Those don’t hurt. They are shallow, hardly breaking the surface. They look worse then they are. But to answer your real question, I don’t know why I feel like I have to hurt myself, especially when I know my scars will hurt others much more than they hurt me. Lately I think it’s because I know the more scars I have, when someone finally does see them, they will see so many scars that the hope they can help me will immediately be lost. Basically they have become a sort of insurance, a fail safe to ensure that I fail.

“Why do you want to fail?”

Because I want to die.

“And why do you want to die?”

Because I can’t fix me. I can’t fix who I am. Dying won’t make up for the horrible existence that is me, but I can’t make up for it by continuing to live either. So my choices are to either keep going, or call it a day. I need to call it a day. It’s what’s best in the long run, for the world and me.

“Then why are you still alive?”

…because no matter how hard I try, I can’t completely give up dreaming that I’ll find a way out someday…

“So what will you do next?”

I’ll think about change. Then I’ll talk about change. Then I’ll plan some changes. Then I’ll make some changes. Then I’ll slip up. Then I’ll slip up again. Then I’ll give up on changing. Then I’ll find myself at the bottom again, in awe of how the bottom just keeps getting deeper, and I’ll start the whole process over again.

“And what happens, when the bottom never comes?”

It will mean I’ve either grown some wings and taken flight, or I hit the bottom, broke both my legs, thus making it impossible for me to ever climb back out.

“And when you can’t climb back out?”

I stay down there, and I starve.

“And then?”

And then…. I can finally accept myself…. and I will finally be able to die…

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Poetry, The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

“I let you in, caught myself swallowing your air, your every word stroking the walls of my lungs, giving me a reason to breath.”

I’ve spent entire dreams on you.

Your soft hands return to me,

And I feel safe again.

I know it’s not real,

Just light from the Moon,

A lie that bends my seas.

I fight for every moment,

Breaking clocks and watches,

Turning hands back

While leaving others blinking 8’s.

But you always catch me,

And you insist I must go.

It’s not you, but it hurts,

And I know it’s a dream,

But still.

Not even in my dreams

Can I be the one to walk away.

I just need you,

Whatever you have,

For just one more,

And one more,

Please, I cannot leave,

So stay with me

Until I dream no more…

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Poetry, The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

I haven’t prayed to God, any God, in years, so don’t mistake my screaming to the sky as blaming God for anything.

You bare your teeth to the pavement,

And a heavy throat rumbles

Like jagged thunder.

It’s not yet time for the fireflies,

So you are left with chewed fingernails,

Coffee kisses and limestone skin.

The Moon is calling you,

Because you are a tide,

Slowly spreading your cerulean

Towards the edge of creation,

Only to be pulled back, back,

Back into the shifting brine.

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Uncategorized

Can I call you? I know I shouldn’t be asking that, because I’m trying to forget you, but it’s hard. I want to drown out your noise with some music, but it’s doing nothing for me. At the end of the day all I want to hear is your voice, right next to me…

Parting lips push on the air, carrying the weight of your words towards my person. It used to be that the air you gave to me was the lightest thing in the universe. I could float on the things you said to me, glide next to the secrets you entrusted me with. It’s sad to think about that feeling now, because I can only think about what it must have been like. I’ve lost the feeling, and you’ve lost gentle words for me…no, it’s not that you lost them, it’s that I made you take them all back.

So where do I go from here?

I want to blame you. I want to blame you for this heavy burden, for my lack of self-respect, for my need to fall apart. I want to place it all squarely on your shoulders. I want to convince myself that this extra weight was your fault, so it should be your burden.

Except I know it’s not your fault.

This weight is normal gravity, I’ve just broken my own back, so I can’t stand up for myself. You stole nothing, you just stopped accepting things from me, because I had nothing left to offer that would appeal to anybody. You added nothing more to my burden. I wasted myself away into paper-thin ribbon, then threw that ribbon into the sky. I watched as the winds died and my ribbons fell. I watched as the rainy streets soaked each strip, then carried them along the curb and down into the sewer. And while I watched my dreams drown I was struck with only one thought:

I don’t care what happens to me anymore.

I have deleted every contact in my phone. I paid off my car loan and ensured I have enough money in the bank to cover my rent through the year. I made sure every gift and souvenir I once held dear was given a new home. I wrote my parents a letter, so they should be okay. I wrote my brother and sister a separate note, so they should be there to comfort our parents. I’ve written a letter for my friends, so they will know they are all wonderful people, which they should already know, but I want to make 100% sure. Finally, I wrote a letter to myself. It was the easiest piece of writing I’ve ever created, because what else do I really need to say to me? I know the who, what, when, where and why, so a long letter is not needed. All I need are simple words for a simple man, to capture my life in 1 sentence, and then I’ll be off. So to sleep I go, leaving this final sentence as my legacy:

It wasn’t all bad, and you tried your best, and know you have earned this nice, long rest.

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Uncategorized

Etch these words into my skin, so I may never forget. I steal my light as a paper moon, only glowing after sunset.

He creeps into your mind at the most inopportune times, stealing away precious brain cells and holding in the CO2 that you’ve built up in your veins. Whatever warmth you had seeps out through your open chest, replacing the justified anger with docile tones and heavy shakes. You feel leaks, tiny pin pricks along all the spots you kept secret, the spots that he now owns. Time erases nothing, but diminishes everything. He’s hands haven’t been there to stroke your senses, yet a single glance brings back a nervous tingle in your stomach, and the world melts like chocolate left out in the afternoon sun. You want to run away, but the sight of him is as quick as summer lightning, and his sound echoes like distant thunder, and you’ve always been a fool when it comes to storms…

You will lose yourself in his winds and rain,

And you will claim a home inside that hurricane.

But that home will be nothing more than a dream,

A space where his violence will swallow your screams.