Another rainy day, another chance to wash away the filth sticking to my skin from weeks without caring about who I am becoming. It’s a fall in slow motion, a subtle slip that turns into a never ending slideshow of evenings spent worshipping the bottom of a bottle, any bottle I can find.
But it’s never enough to break me, to shake this shallow soul clear of my shivering skeleton. It clings to cold bones, finding purchase in the cracks, the hairline fractures I chiseled myself in an attempt to carve away a fraction of my sins. I’m weighed down by all of the mistakes I’ve made, and by all of the mistakes I know I will make. A lifetime of bad decisions has all but guaranteed I’ll never learn how to find forgiveness.
And that really, really sucks, because I know, I KNOW, that forgiveness isn’t supposed to be so complicated. Humans… we have a way of making stupid easy shit super fucking difficult for no real reason. But I guess it’s fine. The world’s still rotating, life keeps on going, so I don’t have to worry about a thing. Everyone I cared about will keep on going, smiling, laughing, crying… they’ll keep moving forward, regardless of my shitty decisions, so it doesn’t matter either way. I don’t have to force myself to keep moving forward, right? Is it okay if I just stop fighting with myself just long enough to find some real peace? Because that’s all I want, to find some peace.
Everybody I know will be just fine, so please… tell me it’s okay if I stop fighting… and promise me you’ll find a way to forgive me someday, because I’m tired… I’m so, so tired…
So promise me that you’ll forgive me for letting go first.
Just promise me that you’ll be okay after I’m gone.
That little light from your lampshade 
I think deep down you want to stay.
You want happiness too and you deserve it. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. You deserve to be happy. You are a wonderful person and even though you keep punishing yourself, it’s not what you deserve. Maybe the physical pain is less hurtful than the pain you carry in your heart but you don’t have to keep carrying it. It’s not your fault. It’s okay. You are a good person. You do deserve to be happy. To have friends. To live.
You deserve to live.
I decided to go to therapy this year and I’m letting go of my guilt and making amends with my fears. I am daring to take a step forward.
I believe you can do it too. I know it’s scary. I know you refuse to believe you deserve it, but I also think that deep down you are still fighting to live.
I hope you know that whenever you wish you can talk to me, no matter how ugly or disgusting you feel, you can always talk to me about it.
You are worth it, you made my days a little happier when I needed the most and I always have a little time on my day to remember you and wonder how you are.
You are a very strong person who lives every day carrying a burden that you believe that is yours and even though it’s really heavy you still carry it.
It’s okay to be happy. It’s really okay.
I’m not giving up on you my friend.
I wish I could tell you more about my daily life and hear more about yours too, even if you think nothing interesting ever happened or if you don’t feel great at all, even if you want to cuss at me.
I am here, I’ll still be here.
Whenever you’re ready to talk to me, I hope you can. I’ll keep believing and cheering for you. Hoping you are well and that one day you’ll be ready to allow yourself a little happiness, a little forgiveness and a little bit of warmth.
Your friend,
Bruna
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This sounds an awful lot like a suicide note, so I really hope you’re OK. You’re dead wrong if you think your departure would have no effect on those around you. You’re loved, even if it doesn’t feel like it right this second. People care.
I’m not sure where you’re based, but the Samaritans are a really good place to go if you’re feeling like this again https://www.samaritans.org/
I can also be personally reached on gmanplayscards@gmail.com . I’d love to hear you’re OK and I’m here to listen if you’re not.
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