I have always been great at falling, but I was convinced you were actually worth the fall…

It never felt like a dream, the time I spent with you. It was magical, and wonderful, and I know it was real, maybe the only real moments in my life. I had relationships before you, told other people “I love you”, and I don’t think I was lying to them, at least until I heard you whisper those words into my ear. We were kissing on my couch, and you stopped and grabbed my face in both hands. You didn’t say anything at first; you just stared into my eyes, and although something that intimate would normally make me feel insecure, I just felt happy. I was so, so happy that I had you, I didn’t feel awkward, and I couldn’t stop smiling.

And that’s when you said exactly what I was feeling: 

“You know what? I’m kinda, sorta, madly in love with you.”

I’ve been loved by many people in many different ways, and I have loved those people in my own ways. From family and friends to flings and people I promised forever, I’ve known what love is, experienced it first hand, and felt that I had enough experience to recognize love, in whatever forms it may take. 

But then you came along, and I haven’t stopped questioning every other moment in my life that involved love. Somehow you managed to become the only reality I can rely on, turning everything else into a dream. I can see all these memories, moments with people smiling and laughing, and I must be there, somewhere, right? These are my memories…so why can I only see them like I’m watching a movie? Every detail is so intense, I can hear distinct voices, remember exact dates, recall the history of events in a second by second breakdown…but I’m not a part of any of it. No matter how hard I try, I’m just watching from the outside now. Even after you left, I didn’t get those memories back…

I had relationships before you, told other people “I love you”, and I don’t think I was lying to them, at least until I heard you whisper those words into my ear. Now all I have are the memories of a stranger, and the pain of knowing I never have, nor will I ever fucking understand, what real love is like…

One thought on “I have always been great at falling, but I was convinced you were actually worth the fall…

  1. I keep watching through the window as well. I wish you were brave enough to let yourself in.
    I keep watching you through the window out there in the cold but you never come in.
    If you would only come in this harsh winter could be easier for the both of us.
    But even if you don’t, I’ll still be watching over you, rooting for you to find the courage to walk in and stay in.
    Please be well my friend. If there is someone in this world that deserves it, it’s you.

    Like

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