But that’s the coward’s retort, a way to displace blame from you and a way to justify my self hatred. Tell it like it is; we didn’t work.
I was needy, clingy, desperate to prove I was worth being loved when I already knew that wasn’t something I needed to prove.
You were eager for love but hesitant in the “forever” we kept on saying. Reality came crashing down on us and you realized what forever really meant, and you saw the end and decided this was the point to say goodbye.
I took it hard, which I was allowed to do.
You left and found something new, which you were allowed to do.
What wasn’t okay was how I became obsessed with forever, how I tried to use that to manipulate you, to get you to stay when anyone could see you were heading for the door. I spent all of my time making excuses for my shitty behavior instead of just being myself. I wanted to change to be whatever you needed, but you didn’t want me to change, you just wanted a change, so with no direction I just lost myself. I expected you to guide me, but that’s not your job, and it never was.
What also wasn’t okay was how you attacked me at every turn for things that you knew would hurt, even if they were contradictory. You called me a liar for things I didn’t lie about, and went on to use the most traumatic event we shared, the abortion, to cut me as deep as possible. The abortion that I had to schedule, that I never wanted and held my tongue during the entire process because I knew it wasn’t my place to make that call even though we had talked about having kids, even gave this pregnancy a name… I sat through a meeting to confirm everything, was asked by a counselor about how I felt, and I had tears in my eyes but said nothing.
You knew how I felt.
I didn’t smile for a month.
I was stupid and spent a month doing nothing but trying to comfort you without ever speaking my mind, telling you how I felt, because I just hoped..Hoped you would ask, because the way you looked at me I could tell…you know how I felt and just didn’t want to deal with me…But you knew, and when you got mad you used my pain against me. You told me you were glad you got the abortion, regardless of the reasons you gave, because I was a liar, because I would have been a father who can only lie, that I would have been a terrible father, the worst father…you said I would have been the worst father…you said that to me, and I knew you were right. You said you were glad my child never had to meet me…and I knew, right then, that I’d never have kids. I knew it, and you knew it, and after everything you knew about me you knew how much that would hurt…but you did it anyway.
So yeah, I broke. That was 4 years ago. I never got better. I stopped knowing how to be anything other than a failure. I work, I go home, I get high, I cut, I ignore everyone and everything. I am just proving you right. But I don’t want to prove you wrong…because I want to make it a reality, an excuse for why the abortion had to happen. I want to blame myself. So I just became pathetic, and I’m just proving you right, which is beyond stupid, but it’s all I can do…this is the best I can do; empty pill bottles and bloody shits, shaky knees and unwashed mountains of clothes and dishes. A personality that only knows sarcasm, to push people away. A phone that’s left off, and all attempts by the outside to contact me are ignored. But even though that’s what I’m doing I can still see that I want to be social. I actually want friends. I miss talking to people, and ramble on and on at work because of it. I think it’s a trait of depression, or loneliness, that co-workers might ramble on. It’s because at work they can pretend to be something other than alone…
One thought on “I want to let you hurt me, so I can pretend it was all my choice.”
Wow. Some powerful stuff here. Writing this all out allows us to process the experience and move forward. Thanks for the vulnerability and courage you show in writing this.