On clear nights I stare at the sky and make a wish to those billion year old lights, and it’s the same wish every single time. 

I want to live in a place where my heart feels…weightless. I want to know the type of hug that feels warm, like summer air against your skin. I want to find myself lost in thoughts of fireworks and pancake breakfasts, snowball fights in January and chocolate filled Halloweens. I want to look forward to what I can be, what I can achieve. I have the type of heart that feels as if it is made of lead; to heavy to carry with me, and so I often find myself leaning on others for things I should only support on my own 2 feet. Basically, I feel a need to wish I was just like everyone else, to smile just because, to laugh without trying to hide something, without having to cry about it later. Do people walking down the halls of malls, the streets to different bars, parks and stores, do these people ever stop to wonder “why does every step I take feel as if I’m falling?

~A place where I reach for the hands of others instead of for the knife sitting on the table…

The scars are cat scratches and work mistakes, rough basketball and rugged runs through trails at dusk. The scars are warnings, screams of “stay away!” “I’m not worth knowing!” “I can’t be saved…”

If people were to have to face this, the reality that I’ve created in my own mind, I’d like to think they could appreciate my self-hatred a little more.

9 thoughts on “On clear nights I stare at the sky and make a wish to those billion year old lights, and it’s the same wish every single time. 

  1. There were so many moments, periods, of self-loathing, that I cannot count. My first beloved wore those down and made me turn around. No one living in their own bubbles, in the streets or on the trails, knew or cared.

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    1. It’s a work in progress. But the more honest I am in my writing, the better I feel. I’m not looking to sugar-coat who I am, but accept myself, flaws and all. I probably am harder on myself than I should be, but maybe that tough self-evaluation is what I need right now.

      Liked by 1 person

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