I have a lot of things I wish I had said, but even more things I wish I hadn’t. I’m stuck in this strange realm between biting my tongue and using it to flick poison in your general direction. I’m caught in the middle, and I keep settling things with a coin flip, leaving it up to chance.
But flipping a coin isn’t as fair as you’d think. Sure, it seems like it should be random, but nothing is really random. If you understood every force impacting that coin, you could accurately guess the end result of a flip. If you could calculate the effect of gravity, how much force is behind the hand initiating the flip, and the when and where it’s landing, then it’s not going to be left up to chance.
It’s the illusion of freedom.
The reality is the second I decided to flip that coin I made my decision. So what happens when I am stuck between remaining silent or screaming until my throat is ripped in two? Well, fate takes a backseat, destiny decides to call off for the day, luck and chance have prior engagements, and serendipity just straight up fucks off.
I flip that coin, accepting the results. But I know…with heads or tails, it doesn’t matter. Because it will always land on a decision I will regret…silence or screams…they both end the same for me, so why even bother…it doesn’t fucking mean a goddamn thing, so forget it, forget me, and just…fuck everything man…fuck…