Looking at the past, you want to take a broad brush to cover the whole damn sight; smear it that turncoat black, that obsidian shadow, that unholy, ungrateful, unashamed shade of a world without a sun. That past… what a waste of conscience that failed my heart when it was breaking in two.

Why would things have to turn out like this, huh? Can anyone give me an answer that would calm me down, turn my radical sense of self-loathing into a more calm, rational sense of mild self-hatred? I am aware; I am a creature of habit. I fall into the holes of life not because of poor luck or blind circumstance, no… I fall down because I am waiting for those around me to see that I am on the ground and for them to hold out their hands for me, so I can climb on their backs and have them carry me through life. A scatthing self-analysis, but an accurate one.

Then what was her hand to you in all this? What did her hand represent? Use some of that flowery word magic, you pathetic excuse for a sentient being. Make it as simple as it has to be…

Her hands…were home…

It wasn’t just her hands though, right? It was in her smile that took away the past and made the future. It was in her eye’s that I found myself hoping they would be looking back at me. It was in her legs that walked towards me at a park or in the driveway or across a snowy parking lot outside a Red Robin in the early evening of February Ohio. It was her..she was home…

How does this shit happen to people? How can we have evolved so much, accomplished so fucking much, and still, STILL, cannot escape the basic insanity that is the concept of “love”. Why is it that no matter what I do I am still driven by the desire to find more love? I know what I am..what my life has become, and yet I am still here, endearing, and for what cause?! Why am I still breathing, eating, surviving?! I can’t sleep anymore, not even when I’m exhausted, when I overdose on pills, when I crash my body, push it until it screams at me and hates me as much as my mind and heart hate me. My dreams are coming back, and they are all the same, so simple. They are me, doing normal things, living a normal life, but with friends…It’s the saddest shit, ya know? Cause I could have friends..I had so many friends…but what did I do? Pushed and ran and became this…fucking loser.

~No, you’re wrong. You were always a loser, somehow people just put up with you.

Ah, yes, that is more akin to the truth, or at least my reality of truth. I am a monster. How many times have I come to this conclusion? Probably once an evening now, ever since I can remember. That would be why you have all those scars across your arms. That would be why you can’t stand the sight of yourself in the mirror. That would be why you took a path you knew, a path YOU FUCKING KNEW YOU COULD NEVER COME BACK FROM. YOU SET YOURSELF UP TO FAIL, TO PUSH EVERYONE AWAY, TO LEAVE NO ROOM FOR A COMEBACK AS YOU HAD BEFORE!!!

~You have nobody left, because you trusted the decision you made when you knew nothing.

Yes…I trusted myself to know who I really am. So here I am…breathe it in slowly now, this poison, these words that will surely kill you. God, if words were knives I wouldn’t be stuck wishing for an easy way out like the coward I am. If my words were knives I could have bitched out so easily, long before I hurt anybody, and before I ever gave myself false fucking hope. Now all I can hope for is a death from fate. All I can hope is that my destiny leads me to my demise. Personally I hate fate, destiny, all that bullshit. I hate it because if it WAS real, well holy fuck, sucks for me, right?

~But still

Yeah, I know…If fate was real then..then at least I wouldn’t have to hate myself so much…

Ha..haha…even in the end, I’m looking for ways out!! What a joke! What a terrible, utterly unsatisfying, fucking joke! Even now, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING I STILL WANT AN EXCUSE TO LOVE MYSELF!! THE ONLY FUNNY PART ABOUT THIS, ABOUT THIS WHOLE FUCKED UP LIFE, IS THAT I HAD THE OPTION TO LOVE MYSELF! I had the option all along! And yet!…

And yet…

~You wanted to love, to be normal, to be human, huh Calvin?

I did..I really did want to be normal, to see myself as anything but a monster…I did try, didn’t I? I put in the effort, gave it the ‘ol 1,2, right? Please…someone…anybody…fucking tell me I tried…tell me I gave it my best…ANYBODY PLEASE TELL ME I TRIED TO BE LIKE YOU ALL, TO BE NORMAL! PLEASE!….

Please…

~Calvin…they are all gone. You know that Calvin, so why don’t we stop this?

Now I’m begging…begging for myself huh…wonder which one is the real me? Am I asking for one more chance, one more hand to reach out and save me? Is that what I am asking for? Or else…

~You already know who we are.

Yeah, I know…

~So Calvin, I’ll ask again, as many times as it takes. I’ll never grow tired of asking and I’ll never stop. I’ll always be here, you know that. I’m the only one who will never leave.

Please…for 5 fucking minutes, please…please just disappear…please….

~Calvin, I gave you chances. You had love, more than once. You had friends, more than once. You had a beginning, more than once. You can only be so selfish, Calvin.

But you were always there..always. I could feel it, like a bug bite that just wouldn’t stop fucking itching. You never left my mind, always found a way back to the forefront of my thoughts. How could you be so strong? How could you outlast everything? How…

~Simple; This is you. We are one. Now Calvin, do I really need to ask again? We really have been awake quite a long time, haven’t we? It’s been exhausting, truly taxing. Being a monster as we are sure does take up a lot of energy. Of course, had you LISTENED to me from the beginning, we could have avoided all this pointless chatter and saved so many, saved so much.

Shut up…shut up…SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING PRICK!! JUST SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH FOREVER! YOU ARE WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME! IF YOU…IF ONLY YOU NEVER EXISTED EVERYTHING WOULD BE GREAT! MOM WOULDN’T BE CRYING ABOUT ME! DAD WOULD BE PROUD OF ME! MY SISTER AND BROTHER WOULD ACTUALLY LOVE ME AND CARE ABOUT ME! I WOULD HAVE ALL MY FRIENDS STILL! I WOULD HAVE..I WOULD HAVE MY LIFE!

~Tsk, tsk. Ever the dramatic one, aren’t we Calvin? Logic agrees with you; if I was gone, everything WOULD be better for everyone. So the question I pose, once again, is why is a monster such as our existence still breathing Calvin?

Because I don’t want to be a monster…

~Ah, but a monster you were born. No fault to Mom and Dad, of course. And look! Even your siblings turned out just fine! It’s not the end of the world! Sure, you could have saved some tears, but in the end this really won’t cause a ripple effect. People cry even for the bad guys, right? In that regard, even being a monster, we deserve some tears, right? Come on now, let’s start seeing the same picture here. It only makes sense. Stay calm man. Now, I pose it to you once more, and please take your time to respond, but know that I will ask again if the answer is wrong; Calvin, can we finally rest?

Why do you have to exist…why do you have to constantly be here, in my ear…why can’t I ever just let you go, huh? Why can’t you just fall off, fly off, disappear, FUCKING DIE!

~I knew we’d get here! We always do! I CAN just die Calvin! You just take that small step, that little leap of faith, and voila! Presto! Ancient history! Never again shall I bother anybody!

You really never let up…for a monster, you sure have some kind of amazing persistence…

~See? You can find good things about us, can’t you? Ah Calvin, you still don’t want to see it; the beauty of being born a monster. Of all the beautiful things in this world, the landscapes, the potential, the people, none of that can cover up the ugly nature of humanity. BUT, as a monster, we never had the rose tinted glasses those real humans wear. Sure, they get to feel real love, something you can only feel when you love yourself, but you never had to be like them, to live in a perfect world and have a monster like us crash everything around them. In that respect, you never had to know what the fall was like, did you? Not that you didn’t try, Calvin. O yes, you tried. Time and again you found love, and man, you sure did put up a fight trying to fit those rose glasses onto yourself, didn’t you?! Hot damn, those were the days! Still, you never quite got there. After all, you were just a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You stuck out like a sore thumb man! I laughed my ass off more than once at that sad skin you wore! I mean think about it! A monster, trying to act like a regular human?! Hahaha, o Calvin let me tell you, it was a riot! I saved pictures if you want to see? Ah why am I even asking! Of COURSE you want to see!

I can’t shut you off…I can’t shut you out…I can’t drown out your voice…I can’t run away…I can’t hide anywhere you can’t find me…

~It is a testament to our stupidity that you still won’t just admit who we are. At this point Calvin, who are you trying to fool?    

I am a master of deception! I am a wordsmith! I make the page my tool, bending the ink to my will, right?! I have managed to trick some very smart people, yes?!

~Yes! Take pride in that, Calvin! You are definitely willing to use some very ruthless tactics to trick others, now aren’t you?

NO! I AM NOT RUTHLESS! I NEVER USED TACTICS! I…I used the words from my heart..I used the feelings in my heart…

~Sigh…really Calvin, you still insist you ever had such a marvelous thing as a heart? Another benefit of being a monster, you never had a heart to break in the first place!

I’m…I’m not you…

~Calvin, of course you are buddy! We are a team, one in the same! 2 halves to a whole, huge, terribly empty monster!

I don’t…I won’t accept that…I won’t accept you…I WON’T EVER ACCEPT YOU!

~Like I said Calvin, I can wait. When you are good and ready to finally get some sleep just let me know. I’ll be right there, pillow and blanket in hand! Tell ya what, I’ll even write a bedtime story for us! I’ll call it “World’s worst father!” It will be a picture book, mostly. Really just a mirror would do I guess haha.

Stop it…

~O, no! I got it! How about a picture collage, huh? I’ll get all the pictures of those friends…hmm..now that’s strange…I can’t seem to find any pictures with us in them.

Just stop it already…

~I can stop whenever you decide to stop Calvin.

~Sleep on it, huh pal? I mean I know it’s not real sleep since it can’t last more than an hour  at a time and it only leaves us feeling more and more exhausted, but I’m OK with it. If anything it allows you to see that real rest will only come when we finally see eye to eye.

I miss home…

~Idiot. You are home. Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling. People have warm homes full of memories and comfort and love. Monsters live in caves; alone. This IS our home buddy!

I can’t stop crying…I can’t stop it…I want to stop, I don’t want anymore tears out of self-pity…I don’t…so why won’t they stop…why won’t my body listen…why won’t my eyes listen…

~Shh, it’ll all be okay Calvin, it’ll all be okay.

Please…God, I beg you, please…

~God would never listen to a monster, now would he? Of course not! How would that look?! God has appearances to keep up after all!

It’s just me then….

~Us, Calvin…

That’s not who I am…

~You are, have been, and always will be Calvin.

I am…

~Yes, you are finally on the true brink…It’s about time. Now, say it nice and clear, for the world of both monsters and men to hear! Loud enough to drive away those pesky dreams and give us the space we need to finally get some rest!

I am…not…what you are…

~Ahh! Almost had ya that time haha! Well Calvin, like I said, and like you already know to be 100% true, I’m not going anywhere. So walk away again, I’ll catch up tomorrow. I’m not your shadow, Calvin. I’m not your reflection, Calvin. I’m not your inner demons, your devil’s advocate, that tiny Satan like dude who hangs around on one of your shoulders as you ponder questions of morality, Calvin. I am not imagination, I am not make-believe, I am not an outside force twisting its way into your subconscious. I am you. You are me. We are the monster. We are Calvin.

I won’t lose…

~That’s what I love about us, Calvin! Nobody can lie quite like us!

I won’t…

~Sleep tight, buddy. I’ll be there, bright and early. Same time, same place!

…I won’t…I can’t…please, somebody…I don’t want to die…

One thought on “Looking at the past, you want to take a broad brush to cover the whole damn sight; smear it that turncoat black, that obsidian shadow, that unholy, ungrateful, unashamed shade of a world without a sun. That past… what a waste of conscience that failed my heart when it was breaking in two.

  1. That sure ain’t Hobbes, yammering in the background. The worst of creatures of our imagination is one who does a backdoor validation of self-loathing, by not ever acknowledging that one can have cause to vent, whilst still being a person who is hopeful, at the end of the day.

    Liked by 1 person

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