Girl Scout Cookie delivery day at work is the #1 reason I haven’t given up on being a part of society yet. Mmhmm, I can already taste the type 2 diabetes.

Girl Scout cookies are heaven in a tightly baked, well balanced, easy to shovel into my mouth form. Seriously, those things taste like magic and friendship and so many other things that I’m sure will draw lawsuits from My Little Pony’s parent company if I ramble on to long. The serving size states “2 Each”, and I wondered why they would only give you half a serving with a box, because they MUST be referring to 1 box as part of the 2 each, right? I mean, who in their right mind could eat just 2 little cookies? This isn’t some pizza party where 2 slices should satisfy any persons hunger; girl scout cookies aren’t even meant to quell hunger, but instead they foster self-indulgence. These cookies are designed to boost your moral, put a smile on your face, and have you feeling satisfied as a human being, even as you realize you’ve become a literal elephant and consumed 1/5 your body weight in cookies. But while your body may be unable to move, your soul is enlightened, and all is forgiven, and you are nothing but a creature of pure light and love. And at the end of your feast, you get to pass out into the most wonderful, bliss filled sugar coma, with dreams of clouds made of cotton candy, mountains made of various flavors of fudge, and a thin mint cookie that isn’t thin, but regular sized (Is that to much to ask for, Girl Scouts?! I’m 25+ years old, I don’t need “thin” mints, I need “Thicc” mints. Make my dreams come true!!!)

So, in conclusion, the Boy Scouts should just disband, because earning an Eagle Scout honor is literal shit compared to giving another human even one crumb of the sugary allure that is the Girl Scout Cookie.

Except Samoa’s, those things are fucking garbage.

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