The Sun is only romanticized as setting or rising, yet most of life will be experienced in between. A setting Sun bathes the horizon, outlining the nearby nimbus in blood orange as if stealing inspiration from love gone awry. The rising Sun is a steady blossom, curtailed by early morning commutes and excuses for running late. The world isn’t created to be lived through solitary moments in time, yet that is how people all seem to struggle through it. A welcoming smile to a home somebody thought was out of there reach is within a hand’s reach of a one-sided goodbye that challenges a person’s self-worth. A walk down the aisle towards everything you’ve ever dreamed of being able to call your own is mirrored an ocean away, that walk turned into a parade, a mockery of choice. Lives are lived through memories, and those memories are fickle, unkept things. They are like water, taking the form of the bottle our current hearts and minds process them through. This is what makes hindsight 20/20 and why people are always quick to warn others not to make the same mistakes that they did. A world full of history, stories of almost every imaginable situation, and yet the same mistakes keep repeating themselves.
And that’s where you come in.
~You are a memory now, so I can see it all in it’s entirety, all of those moments spent in between. I can see the small stumbles, the uneven steps forward and those giant steps back. I can force myself to see it for what it really was, a shitty fucking relationship that never could have worked out. You weren’t right for me and I wasn’t right for you, but we tried to make things work, pushed until things broke, and so of course we ended up falling to pieces. You found a peace with that truth and moved on; that’s what people are supposed to do.
But my soul hasn’t settled.
~Even if my mind can provide a rational explanation, some part of me, the strongest part of me, constantly throws out everything of meaning, keeping me feeling empty and leaving only a lingering desire to have a second chance. My body is moving forward in time, but I can feel the strain as my heart fights to keep some part of “us” alive…
I know better.
~I can see that I am killing my future to hold on to a past that is broken.
I know better.
~I can feel the weight of those memories, so large that I can’t carry anything new into my tomorrows.
I know better.
~I can hear the sirens going off, warning me, begging me, to stay away.
I know better.
So why are you still here? I know the lessons that need to be learned, so why haven’t you left? I have no positive thoughts remaining, so why do you still dominate my everything! Dammit, why are you still here?! Why won’t you just leave me alone, for 5 fucking minutes, just leave me ALONE!! Fucking go, die, fucking fly away, you God awful piece of fucking trash! You never treated me like I was anything special! You never, ever, gave me all of your love! I knew it, knew that all along, but I was willing to settle, because I couldn’t love me! I couldn’t love me, any part of me, so why would you?! OF COURSE YOU WOULDN’T!!!!! So of course we could never work! So of course we fell apart! So of course you grew to hate me; I didn’t give you a choice! We had no choice! You had no choice, I had no choice, this was just how it was and it could never be anything different! I know this, I KNOW THIS!…and yet…
I know better, but you are still here…
Some people love watching the Sunrise, seeing it as a chance for new beginnings, a fresh start. Every day has one, so every day can be the start of something amazing. Some people love watching the Sunset, seeing it as a chance to say goodbye, to move on. Every day has one, so every day can be the end of something awful. But life mostly occurs during the in between. You happened in between. I’ve seen a thousand Sunrises since you, but I haven’t started anything. I’ve seen a thousand Sunsets since you, but I haven’t ended anything yet. I can see it all, in glorious 20/20 vision, this tragedy that was you and me. It’s over, we ended, I know, I know, I KNOW!
I know… that our love wasn’t right, wasn’t meant to be. And knowing this should mean I can learn, that I can stop being this broken person and start something new. But you are still here…and I must be losing my mind…because I would chose this all again…even knowing what I know, knowing how this would end, I would still chose us all over again…so I don’t know a damn thing…
A world full of history, stories of almost every imaginable situation, and yet the same mistakes keep repeating themselves.
But I finally get it. Because I haven’t learned a damn thing.
And that’s where you come in….
14 thoughts on “I get to work before the sun is up, and I leave work after it has already set, and I don’t even think I care anymore.”
I️ love how you described sunset and sunrise.
Skipping sleep to stay up all night and do nothing turns out to have some benefits, at least towards my observational writing 🙂 Thank you!
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Loving this.. every sentence so damn true
Writing this piece helped me get a lot of different feelings off of my chest. I’m glad other people are seeing that power behind the words 🙂
I honor your coirage to share..emotions are the vehicle that either moves us or stops us..I say share I never would wish anyone to be stuck..your powerful expression is honorable and your depth of love priceless..beautiful!
It was supposed to end after that first paragraph, but things just kept coming out, and so it ended up like this! A bit long, but it was raw and the real me.
Raw and real is where the truth is, dont hold back , it was powerful..
You made some excellent points on why we should move on from a bad relationship…And why we don’t. Eight years later, in a happy marriage, yet This Man (who had the grace to die) still inhabits my heart. U
Refreshing in its honesty! Great, heartfelt writing!
“wait for spring”
Excellent writing! And I seldom give that particular accolade! I look forward to reading more.
Thank you!!!! Truly, I have never shard my writing before this blog. I’m an accountant by trade, and it’s all business with my family, so writing was not something encouraged. I’m getting comments and feedback and it all feels wonderful and I plan on writing so much more – as well as reading all of the amazing blogs out there!
I had a relationship like the subject of this post, and while I was ranting about her I was also ranting at myself. I read this in your post, you yelling at you. Looking back, I see now that I was part of the problem with the relationship if not the bigger part.
Thank you for following my Blog!