Posted in My Daily Adventures, My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

I hate feeling alone… and I hate feeling scared, used and abused… but what I hate most of all is this inescapable sense of being open game. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

It’s not like I felt 100% secure in myself before, but I didn’t feel exposed all the time. I cared about how I looked, but only to what I considered a normal degree. I spent time each morning doing my hair, making sure it looked nice, and that was that; I didn’t waste anymore time or effort. Nowadays I spend the whole day catching glimpses of myself in puddles and dirty windows, and I am never satisfied with what I see. I sit in my car before work, messing with my face, trying to manipulate my hair, eyes and general physiology into something presentable, but I never get out of my car feeling human. It’s like I’m always wearing shoes that are just a tad to tight. 

It’s that feeling of opening the fridge to see what’s inside, closing it without having grabbed anything, and realizing you just checked your washing machine for food, and yes, you never even started that load of laundry, so you’ll be sleeping without sheets for the millenith time this century.

My face has no purpose, so everywhere it appears is another new nowhere. It’s not as I’m terrifyingly ugly, but I’m so out of place that I’m often mistaken for avant garde art, if an avant garde artist was on meth, and wasn’t really an artist at all but just some drug addicted 20 something sharing her “art” with her 97 Instagram followers, 8 of which are accounts she made to try and inflate her online persona.

I’m confusing to the public, regardless of the time, place, or lens through which I am viewed. Smartphone cameras consider my face as a smudge, so at least I can avoid being tagged in pictures posted to social media. But if you don’t exist on Facebook, are you even real? Without my opinions being expressed via Tweets and hashtags, I might as well not have opinions at all! My existence is a lie! Maybe I’m just the first of a new breed of modern ghosts. Maybe, if I spend another 5 years avoiding things like the Sun and any situation that has me interacting with another human being, I’ll finally just become a transparent blob. Perhaps, in that someday 5 years away, people who cast their gaze across the dotted lines of the early morning expressway will experience various levels of awe as they marvel at the modern wonder that is a driverless 2013 Honda Civic. Perhaps those people will even spare a thought as to why anybody would spend the money to retrofit such a vehicle to be self-driving, and perhaps even a few of those people will see the faint outline of my bulging form behind the wheel and realize this isn’t a technological wonder; it’s just a really pale and depressed fat human ragdoll.

Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself. 

Or maybe I just don’t give a fuck about my life.

But honestly? I hate myself, and I believe I deserve to feel this way.

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Uncategorized

My feelings are still a mess of regrets and promises I made to myself on my lowest days…but they are the only promises I have left.

“It was through your eyes that I was able to find out what this world really is. It was so big for you…to cruel and cunning, to quick and papery, to soiled and full of sell outs…it was all to much of everything, but it was the same for me. It was the same for you, and me, and everyone else, right? We all felt it, and we all drowned in those feelings of despair. Hope was just a pretty word, something to dream about until dreams became another crude mirror of this reality… But we weren’t alone…never alone…I had you, and you had me, and we had a planet full of humanity to bury ourselves in. I wanted to run away at every turn, I really did. I wanted to find the strength to get up and sprint off towards you, to follow you, to be with you, no matter what that meant. I cried until my tears dried up, screamed until I could only whisper my regrets, punished myself over and over and over so I could feel even slightly closer to you, to the level you must have been on, that lowest of lows…I lived in that hole, and I let it choke me until I was on par with you. I did all of that, but you never asked. I gave it to you like it was some sort of gift, my fall from grace. How disgusting…how small of a person I must be to think you would want that from anybody. Still…I still want you to see me…I still want to see what you could have become, if only I could have found a way to make you see me…I could have changed everything, saved everyone, made the right choices every time a fork in the road appeared. I could have been that, all of that, for you…I lived for you…I still live for you…so I can’t stop seeing this world for you, because you need me…to see this world through to another ending, you need me…I wish you could see me…I wish you could trade places, to walk this world on your own two feet, seeing the things I’m seeing through your eyes…I don’t want to walk your path if you aren’t on it…If I can only see your world but not see you…If you can only see your world and never see me…I don’t want to keep walking without you…”