It only takes a few seconds, or maybe less. Perhaps it’s just a blink, a flash of the sun through a pinhole in air-dried cotton sheets, or a shooting star racing towards the center of a black hole, erupting at the bend in our universe, where all events lose focus, lose time, lose everything except for the overwhelming lack of your presence… and suddenly an empty universe feels crowded, compared to waking up in a bed without you…
Walking around the corner, I looked up, searching for the sky. The buildings blocked any shine from the Sun, and all I could think was “what a boring view.” An endless universe exists up there, and I can only see a fraction of a fraction in the best situations, and here I am, living in a place that takes away from my already scant view of the universe. I can’t even see the sun rising or setting, instead relying on nuclear powered clocks to tell me when I need to start my day. Those same clocks have dictated every aspect of my existence, and they have no idea who I am. To be fair, clocks are inanimate objects, and thus are exempt from having to pick out the traits that define my person. Clocks can’t be expected to know who I am, but it shouldn’t be asking to much that I might know who I am.
I’ve lived my life, but I’m not living, am I? A part of me is screaming for some adult logic. I’m busy thinking about the infinity of the universe, but I still haven’t finished my bachelors. What could someone with so little experience do? I need to follow the advice of those that came before me, and trust that the path they have put me on will guide me into a great person.
But would that person be me?
Coiled by the allure of more,
You let his lips steal smiles against your skin.
They seek out your every delicacy,
Determined to ignite your kindling
All at once, in a burst as bright
As the blink that is our universe.
“You know, it’s a big universe out there, so giving up, when there’s no limit to what can happen, that seems a bit premature, wouldn’t you say?”
~But the universe doesn’t care, right? Just because it’s big and limitless doesn’t mean it
has to have carved out a special piece or place or moment just for me~
“You’re right, the Universe doesn’t owe us anything, so there very well might not be a special plan in place for everybody. But that also means there’s no reason for the universe not to have something special planned for us all, right?”
~That something special could have already come and gone. When I look back, think
about the past, I see all those tiny miracles I took for granted. I wasted time and money,
friends and family, and I have nothing to show for it. So why should I think there is more? Or rather, even if there is more, I know I don’t deserve it, so I shouldn’t accept it~
“Ah, you’re assuming the universe thinks like you do? That it has to be balanced? That if it gave you a first chance, and a second chance, that it couldn’t possibly be the right thing to do to give you a third, fourth, one millionth chance?”
~I’m saying the universe is unbalanced, so it’s up to all of us caught up in the chaos to
set rules and limits and impose the rule of law~
“And for you, that rule of law includes a provision that dictates when a person should stop trying?”
~A person should stop trying when trying would be harder than giving up~
“So it’s a matter of effort? It would take effort to start over, to walk back down the paths you’ve already traveled. And it would hurt, to re-live all those moments.”
~It will hurt either way, but giving up will hurt a little less. So really it’s all about pain
“Giving up will hurt less in the short term, probably, but it offers no chance towards recovery. Trying will hurt, so much so that you won’t be able to hide it at all, but it comes with a special bonus offer; hope.”
~I’m not interested in a bundle deal here. I’m not one to invest their funds into something that might never pan out. I’m careful; methodical. I won’t live on the hope of some hope~
“Hope gets our expectations up, and if those expectations aren’t met it’s crushing. That is a scary prospect, for sure, but there are ways to mitigate that risk. Friends to hold you up and catch you if you fall, family to call at any given moment for any number of reasons, and most of all you still have you, and in the end you don’t want to fail. You might think you deserve to fail, and actively seek out the choices that will ensure you fail, but if you have some hope, even if it’s just hope for some hope, you will still have you.”
~I don’t think I want me~
“I think you are afraid of yourself, which isn’t the same thing as rejecting yourself. You’re afraid that how you see yourself is the only you that exists. But there are so many yous. The you who sings in the shower, using a bottle of shampoo as a microphone. The you who always let’s others merge into your lane during rush hour. The you who might not feel any self-love, but is nonetheless loved by many.”
~I didn’t ask them to love me~
“And yet they do, because they aren’t bound by your rule of law. They have the choice, and they choose to love you, regardless of anything and everything you think.”
~I don’t owe them anything, I didn’t ask for anything, so I’m not obligated to do anyt..~
“You aren’t obligated to do a Goddamn thing! Not for them! You don’t owe it to them, at all! You owe it to yourself! You owe it to every version of you, from the child you were to the adult you fear in your reflection! You owe them!”
~..I wouldn’t even know where to begin.~
“You don’t need to decide on a where, or a how, or a when to being, you just begin.”
~Just like that? It’s that simple? It’s that easy? To forget everything and start over?~
“You don’t need to forget, you don’t have to start over again at zero. You can just start.”
~And what happens, when I start?~