Posted in My Daily Adventures, My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Uncategorized

“I can feel the weight of these memories, so large that I can’t carry anything new into my tomorrows. At some point I have to make a choice, but I’m afraid that, even after all these years, I’m still going to choose anybody but me…”

Falling down takes time, and has layers, and can even appear beautiful. It’s sort of like a sunset on the beach in late September. It’s not truly autumn, so every evening is ushered in on the tail-end of a dying summer breeze. The light from the Sun plays games with that not so warm air, flickering more, almost dancing, as it descends onto the horizon. The space between the Sun and the Earth, the Earth and the sky, the skyline and the edge of our planet, stretched out across the deepest of blues reflected in the open Sea… For a brief moment, you can close one eye, and these vast distances and heavenly bodies all fit in the space between your thumb and index finger. 

But the moment is only that, a moment.

The Sun keeps on dancing as it slips over the edge of the world. The breeze keeps on twirling, the oceans are swirling, but it’s all beginning to fade into the background as the Moon and the stars take their positions. The transition is peaceful, poetic even, and I find so much comfort in this daily sight. The world ends every day without a fuss. It takes time, but it’s never in a rush. The Sun goes down as its own pace, and it manages to stay beautiful every step of the way. So maybe falling down isn’t such a bad thing after all, so long as we remember that falling down always comes with the opportunity to rise again. 

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

“I’ve never known where I was going, I just knew I had to keep moving. But even without a destination in mind, I think I always sort of knew this is where I’d end up. In the end, we all reach the end we were destined for.”

I caught up to you, on the last train of the night. For me, it’s the last train home. But where is this train taking you? I can tell it’s not taking you home, but it’s still the last train, so where is it you want this train to take you? 

~Beyond the tracks, past the city lights, a place where not even the stars can be seen. I just need to find a place where the world can’t see me… because if the world can’t see me, that would mean I couldn’t see myself, right? That’s the only place left where I’d want to go, a place where I never had to worry about seeing who I am…a place where I could pretend I don’t exist, that I never existed in the first place…I want to find myself in a world without a shred of me…

Posted in My Daily Adventures, My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Uncategorized

Just in case anybody was worried/missed my posts, I’m still alive!

Hello to all the lovely people who follow/read my blog. It’s been over a month since my last post!! That’s a crazy long time, especially considering I was averaging close to 9 posts a month for over a year! I just wanted to drop a post letting anybody who was curious know that I’m still alive and will resume posting on a semi-regular basis in the next few weeks. I’ve still been visiting WordPress on a daily basis, because I love reading what everybody else has to say, and I’m excited to throw my writing out there once again! So thanks to all the people who’ve been reading some of my older posts! I’m extremely proud of what I’ve built here and want to continue growing and writing and finding my way!

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

WordPress saved my life

This blog has meant the world to me. I’ve only been doing this for a few months, and it’s not very big, but just having a place to let my thoughts leak out, without having to hold back, is keeping me alive.

I started a new job on Monday, because I had a mental breakdown at my old job a month ago. I have never been a stable person, but like most people with anxiety and depression I have fought to keep it from showing. I made an extra effort at work, because I’m embarrassed by the whole thing.

But I had a bad beginning to 2018, and I got carried away one night. I took far to many sleeping pills along with far to many drinks. My neighbors found me right outside my apartment, lying face down in a pool of vomit. My arms and legs were cut to shreds, and my left arm was marbled purple and swelled to twice its normal size.

I spent 3 days in the hospital. These were workdays too, so I had to call off. I didn’t know how to explain any of this to my boss, but she’s amazing and nice, so I tried.

I failed.

I broke down in tears within the first 10 seconds on the phone, and after 10 minutes of that she told me to just email her.

3 days passed, and I was released. I had a broken arm, and my stomach had been pumped so I felt like shit, and to top it all off I left scars in places I couldn’t hide. See, when I take my clothes off I look insane, just leftover lines everywhere, but I could hide most of them. Even new ones I made, they just overlapped old ones, and it was all hidden. But I couldn’t hide these not from anybody.

I couldn’t go back into work. I couldn’t. I spent 2 more days doing nothing but crying, dreading the end of the weekend and my return to work.

Monday morning came and it all sank in; I couldn’t go.

I emailed my boss, turned off all my electronic devices, and disappeared for a week. Well more like hibernated. But even that’s wrong, because I didn’t sleep.

For 1 week I didn’t set foot outside of my apartment. I never got on my phone or computer. I never left for food or anything else. I talked to no one. I never opened my blinds. I sat in the dark, taking just enough pills in timed intervals to keep me from feeling or thinking without going to far. I didn’t want to go to the hospital again.

After that week I made a return to the world, albeit through the internet. Specifically I wrote something and posted it here, to my blog. And people liked it, some commented on it. I love getting comments. Everyone here is nice, but even if the comments weren’t nice I would be okay with that. Just putting my thoughts out to someone…it really does save me.

So now I have a new job. Nothing fancy, just something to pay the bills. And I have this blog. Again, nothing fancy, but it’s somewhere I can be myself.

So thank you to everybody who reads my blog, or doesn’t read my blog, because I enjoy reading other peoples blogs even if they aren’t reading mine. The internet isn’t real life, but I only feel alive through this site. Is that sad? Bad? Pathetic? Probably all of that and more, but I don’t care.

Thank you everybody, please keep reading and writing, and if you have any suggestions for writing topics or story ideas, or critiques of my other posts, please don’t hesitate!  

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Poetry, The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

“My heart feels like it’s swallowed up in Autumn, even as the first storm of spring is right outside my window.”

My body aches for Spring winds,

Their tips curled with cotton embers,

Holding just enough of a spark

To thaw the azure April sky.

I love watching that air jitter,

The crystals of swirling snow

Pacified into sleepy puffs

Of sailing Dandelion clocks.

My once bloated, spiked steps

That would crunch and crack

And crumble under my course

Are renewed as thin, mossy lines,

Graceful and unburdened,

And I am able to dance

In the thunder and lightning

Of blossoming beginnings.

In that wind I feel a hope,

So trying doesn’t seem pointless

And I can find myself,

Maybe even dream again.

Posted in My life - Written by God, produced by 21st Century middle America, and lived by me, myself, and I., Poetry, The Modern Classics, Uncategorized

It’s as far away as the ends of the ever expanding universe, but also here, in this tiny, 1 bedroom apartment. Hope is always here, you just have to look.

“You know, it’s a big universe out there, so giving up, when there’s no limit to what can happen, that seems a bit premature, wouldn’t you say?”

~But the universe doesn’t care, right? Just because it’s big and limitless doesn’t mean it
has to have carved out a special piece or place or moment just for me~

“You’re right, the Universe doesn’t owe us anything, so there very well might not be a special plan in place for everybody. But that also means there’s no reason for the universe not to have something special planned for us all, right?”

~That something special could have already come and gone. When I look back, think
about the past, I see all those tiny miracles I took for granted. I wasted time and money,
friends and family, and I have nothing to show for it. So why should I think there is more? Or rather, even if there is more, I know I don’t deserve it, so I shouldn’t accept it~

“Ah, you’re assuming the universe thinks like you do? That it has to be balanced? That if it gave you a first chance, and a second chance, that it couldn’t possibly be the right thing to do to give you a third, fourth, one millionth chance?”

~I’m saying the universe is unbalanced, so it’s up to all of us caught up in the chaos to
set rules and limits and impose the rule of law~

“And for you, that rule of law includes a provision that dictates when a person should stop trying?”

~A person should stop trying when trying would be harder than giving up~

“So it’s a matter of effort? It would take effort to start over, to walk back down the paths you’ve already traveled. And it would hurt, to re-live all those moments.”

~It will hurt either way, but giving up will hurt a little less. So really it’s all about pain
Management~

“Giving up will hurt less in the short term, probably, but it offers no chance towards recovery. Trying will hurt, so much so that you won’t be able to hide it at all, but it comes with a special bonus offer; hope.”

~I’m not interested in a bundle deal here. I’m not one to invest their funds into something that might never pan out. I’m careful; methodical. I won’t live on the hope of some hope~

“Hope gets our expectations up, and if those expectations aren’t met it’s crushing. That is a scary prospect, for sure, but there are ways to mitigate that risk. Friends to hold you up and catch you if you fall, family to call at any given moment for any number of reasons, and most of all you still have you, and in the end you don’t want to fail. You might think you deserve to fail, and actively seek out the choices that will ensure you fail, but if you have some hope, even if it’s just hope for some hope, you will still have you.”

~I don’t think I want me~

“I think you are afraid of yourself, which isn’t the same thing as rejecting yourself. You’re afraid that how you see yourself is the only you that exists. But there are so many yous. The you who sings in the shower, using a bottle of shampoo as a microphone. The you who always let’s others merge into your lane during rush hour. The you who might not feel any self-love, but is nonetheless loved by many.”

~I didn’t ask them to love me~

“And yet they do, because they aren’t bound by your rule of law. They have the choice, and they choose to love you, regardless of anything and everything you think.”

~I don’t owe them anything, I didn’t ask for anything, so I’m not obligated to do anyt..~

“You aren’t obligated to do a Goddamn thing! Not for them! You don’t owe it to them, at all! You owe it to yourself! You owe it to every version of you, from the child you were to the adult you fear in your reflection! You owe them!”

~..I wouldn’t even know where to begin.~

“You don’t need to decide on a where, or a how, or a when to being, you just begin.”

~Just like that? It’s that simple? It’s that easy? To forget everything and start over?~

“You don’t need to forget, you don’t have to start over again at zero. You can just start.”

~And what happens, when I start?~

“Everything.”