Walking around the corner, I looked up, searching for the sky. The buildings blocked any shine from the Sun, and all I could think was “what a boring view.” An endless universe exists up there, and I can only see a fraction of a fraction in the best situations, and here I am, living in a place that takes away from my already scant view of the universe. I can’t even see the sun rising or setting, instead relying on nuclear powered clocks to tell me when I need to start my day. Those same clocks have dictated every aspect of my existence, and they have no idea who I am. To be fair, clocks are inanimate objects, and thus are exempt from having to pick out the traits that define my person. Clocks can’t be expected to know who I am, but it shouldn’t be asking to much that I might know who I am.
I’ve lived my life, but I’m not living, am I? A part of me is screaming for some adult logic. I’m busy thinking about the infinity of the universe, but I still haven’t finished my bachelors. What could someone with so little experience do? I need to follow the advice of those that came before me, and trust that the path they have put me on will guide me into a great person.
But would that person be me?
It’s nothing more than simple math; if you add 0 to anything, it doesn’t do a damn thing. I used to think I was a 0, that I was just nothingness floating through space, not contributing anything of value, but also not taking anything away. Over time I started to feel that I couldn’t be a 0, because my heart felt so heavy. Surely I’ve picked up a few things over the years, giving me some sort of value. I finally took the time to look back, back into my life, and it all become clear; I had picked things up, but none of those things stuck. Behind me is a trail of recyclable litter, useless garbage, and death. I took from those around me, but I didn’t put those things to good use, and ended up just throwing it all away. So I’m not a 0, I’m a negative value. I’ll rip away from others, steal the things they would willingly share, if I only would ask. I leave nothing, learn nothing, and become so much less than nothing…I am less than nothing…and I can’t imagine a scenario where I could ever make up for what I’ve taken from the world. I can’t even the score. I can’t give enough to cancel out the net loss that is my 27 years of existence. I can’t do a goddamned thing…for the world…or for me…so please, understand when I say I want to die, it’s not because I’m trying to make up for my sins, or atone for anything; I never could do those things. All I can do is fade away selfishly, using my last moments to take just a tiny bit more from this world. But that will at least minimize the damage I would do if I kept on living, and it will give me a chance to rest…so please, understand…I just want to stop being this monster…I want to stop this feeling, cancel out this knowledge I have about just how terrible I really am…I’m tired, so please…don’t hate me when I die.
It wasn’t an active process, just background noise, the gears turning and keeping me moving forward. One step, 2 steps, a stumble over a crack in this ancient cement driveway, a crack I’ve known since I was 5 years old, a crack I’ve avoided a 1000 times during games of tag, basketball, hopscotch. A crack that is somehow just now entering my consciousness, demanding to be seen, to be felt, demanding that I, at this very moment, experience a literal fall alongside my mental collapse. And that, my friends, is when I realized the truth; even if I’d spent an entire lifetime in one place, I never really knew anything at all before he came crashing into me…