Hello to all the lovely people who follow/read my blog. It’s been over a month since my last post!! That’s a crazy long time, especially considering I was averaging close to 9 posts a month for over a year! I just wanted to drop a post letting anybody who was curious know that I’m still alive and will resume posting on a semi-regular basis in the next few weeks. I’ve still been visiting WordPress on a daily basis, because I love reading what everybody else has to say, and I’m excited to throw my writing out there once again! So thanks to all the people who’ve been reading some of my older posts! I’m extremely proud of what I’ve built here and want to continue growing and writing and finding my way!
But it’s not enough to say you just held on, because it was more.
It was everything.
You never loosened your grip. Even though I stopped trying and resigned myself to this bottomless pit that was my life, you didn’t falter. I don’t know how many times I fell down, but each time felt like I was falling further than the last. At some point I stopped looking up, because there was no point; I was in a hole so deep that the Sun couldn’t find me.
But you pulled me out.
I tried to push you away. I tried to pull myself away. I jumped off of bridges and buildings, airplanes and orbiting satellite arrays. I emptied my lungs and sank to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. I stripped away all of my clothing to feel the ice of Mount Everest on my bare chest. Time and again I broke my body in a sad attempt at symmetry; matching every mental breakdown with equal physical pain. I didn’t care about consequences, I just wanted to suffer.
But it wasn’t enough.
Cuts healed. Broken bones could be mended. The physical pain never lasted… but my head… all of the thoughts in my head… they never stopped. I just want some fucking peace…
I think I enjoy the night
Because it feels like
The beginning of the end.
I can use that darkness
To find myself again.
In the morning, it’s as if
The broken bits of me
Have become presentable,
Even taking on the form
Of avant garde art;
A patched up soul,
Center stitched heart,
All held together
By a long forgotten truth;
It’s okay if I make mistakes,
And even though it hurts,
I can still believe
That I deserve love.
Walking around the corner, I looked up, searching for the sky. The buildings blocked any shine from the Sun, and all I could think was “what a boring view.” An endless universe exists up there, and I can only see a fraction of a fraction in the best situations, and here I am, living in a place that takes away from my already scant view of the universe. I can’t even see the sun rising or setting, instead relying on nuclear powered clocks to tell me when I need to start my day. Those same clocks have dictated every aspect of my existence, and they have no idea who I am. To be fair, clocks are inanimate objects, and thus are exempt from having to pick out the traits that define my person. Clocks can’t be expected to know who I am, but it shouldn’t be asking to much that I might know who I am.
I’ve lived my life, but I’m not living, am I? A part of me is screaming for some adult logic. I’m busy thinking about the infinity of the universe, but I still haven’t finished my bachelors. What could someone with so little experience do? I need to follow the advice of those that came before me, and trust that the path they have put me on will guide me into a great person.
But would that person be me?
It’s nothing more than simple math; if you add 0 to anything, it doesn’t do a damn thing. I used to think I was a 0, that I was just nothingness floating through space, not contributing anything of value, but also not taking anything away. Over time I started to feel that I couldn’t be a 0, because my heart felt so heavy. Surely I’ve picked up a few things over the years, giving me some sort of value. I finally took the time to look back, back into my life, and it all become clear; I had picked things up, but none of those things stuck. Behind me is a trail of recyclable litter, useless garbage, and death. I took from those around me, but I didn’t put those things to good use, and ended up just throwing it all away. So I’m not a 0, I’m a negative value. I’ll rip away from others, steal the things they would willingly share, if I only would ask. I leave nothing, learn nothing, and become so much less than nothing…I am less than nothing…and I can’t imagine a scenario where I could ever make up for what I’ve taken from the world. I can’t even the score. I can’t give enough to cancel out the net loss that is my 27 years of existence. I can’t do a goddamned thing…for the world…or for me…so please, understand when I say I want to die, it’s not because I’m trying to make up for my sins, or atone for anything; I never could do those things. All I can do is fade away selfishly, using my last moments to take just a tiny bit more from this world. But that will at least minimize the damage I would do if I kept on living, and it will give me a chance to rest…so please, understand…I just want to stop being this monster…I want to stop this feeling, cancel out this knowledge I have about just how terrible I really am…I’m tired, so please…don’t hate me when I die.
I pluck away at my feathers
And scatter them to sandy riverbanks.
Some find a home in stray branches
While others fall only to drown.
My hope is that you will see me
Before both of my wings are gone.
I’m giving up my open skies
To walk the same Earth as you.
But I am also well aware
That you never sought me out,
That you never glanced at the clouds
And wished to sail amongst them.
I’m giving away my hope,
Betting my everything
That I can survive this fall,
And that you will return to me
A reality better than my dreams.
Did her fire inspire you to change?
Did her words make an impact,
Driving you towards that cliff,
Closer and closer to the edge,
Beckoning you to trust that she
Would be the wings you longed for?
You wished for daring adventure,
That breathless sensation
Of fear mixed with desire,
That chemical reaction
People call love.
Unable to contain that heart,
Which longed for a reason
To abandon all reason,
You wished for a second chance
To earn your wings