Sunburn

Have you ever listened to a song that spoke to your soul? Ignoring the fact that you may be an individual who does not believe in the concept of the human soul, I’m sure even a person such as that has still been privy to the skin tingling, heart aching, mind numbing, and yes, spirit rubbing experience that is the perfect song at the perfect time. From the first lyric to that last ringing note, that song, that wonderful piece of art as sound through open air targeted specifically at the emotional strings we attach to our ears (which for the most part only catch negative words that turn ourselves against ourselves, but i++n this case work to catch that rare experience of one human fully understanding at least 1 piece of another). For me, that song came in the form of Ed Sheeran and his little dozy of a diddle, Sunburn. The guitar is simple, nah borderline basic, yet played so softly in the acoustic version, so wonderfully gentle that it immediately puts my inner critic to rest and again I am amazed by the brilliance of 4 chords as a melody. With a short introduction the song moves into Ed’s signature sexy voice, but it has this edge to it that makes you feel lonely with the first note.

“You’re not her…though I try to see you differently.”

Ah Ed, you terribly insightful monster you! Cutting a straight line through my jumbled mess of a brain you jump right to the conclusion in a sentence barely hitting a double digit word count! Please, continue to ravage my already open chest cavity with your words!

“I toe the line, you see I’m searching for what used to be..mine, O.

I saw your eyes, and I saw her staring back at me.

And I will try..to find another one who suited me as well as her.”

And thus I see what was already obvious, yet I still hold back as if trying to keep a dirty secret from the ever prying eyes of society; I’m searching for someone to love me the way they loved me. To be even more basic, it’s the rebound. Yes, we all like to act like the rebound won’t ever happen to us, that we would never date someone just for the feelings we miss from others, for a simple hand to hold or lips to kiss, but people are ugly in our need for something as beautiful as love, are we not?

“I’ve moved, far away

From you, and I want to

See you here, beside me dear

But things aren’t clear”

I left you, ran away from you, rented a Dodge Charger, drove that bitch till the gas ran out, got on a sled with a full 10 Husky sledding team, road those bitches (a more appropriate use of the term here) until running into the Alaskan never-ending summer skyline, and STILL, when I caught my breath taking in that shimmering sunlight, I found myself holding out a hand and feeling empty when no fingers slid their way into mine. I say my hand felt empty because even though I did look away from that nightless view, my eyes felt cloudy, like the grass outside my parents house around 6:49am on a mild September morning; not so much wet, with drops falling off one after another, but moist, with the feeling that somehow a sudden drop in temperature has occurred, a chill down my spine, causing dispersion of the H2O molecules and suspending them in my field of vision. I was not crying for your hand, but without that weight my eyes did make the rest of the world seem a whole lot less clear…    

“Where we never even tried

Never even talked

Never even thought in the long run.”

“Whenever it was painful,

Whenever I was away, I’d miss you

And I miss you.”

We lived in the moment, and so I know there was truly an “us”. That’s why it hurts so much to look back and realize that so many days have gone by without “us”. We never thought about the future, never talked about what could be, what was to be. In a moment everything is so much more beautiful, right? We were in such a beautiful moment..we never even thought about what comes with the next step out of that picture perfect time. We never…I never had to think about what I would be doing, I only thought about what you meant to me. Even as the distance started and you drifted towards the future I only thought about missing you..because I missed the moment that was us, and I lived in that past, and I watched the future pass me by, and so of course my stupid heart still feels this pain, and my rational thinking is nothing in the face of that mounting tide of nostalgia and loneliness. Ed is 100% dead on here, I miss you.

“She was mine

And I was hers and all that’s in between

If she would cry

I would shelter her and keep her from the darkness that will be.

I’ve moved, far away

From you, and I want to

See you here, beside me dear

But things aren’t clear

Where we never even tried

Never even talked

Never even thought in the long run.

Whenever it was painful,

Whenever I was away, I’d miss you

And I miss you.”

You were supposed to be my new heart and soul, the replacement for those that you stole from me. I was supposed to be your armor, protecting you from anything that tried to hurt you. See how dumb I was, and how smart you were? I gave away my heart, knowing without it I would be empty, and I trusted you to fill me. My dream of love was hopelessly romantic at best, suicidal at worst, and impractical at all levels of the spectrum. You were a genius. You understood that people are not meant to discard their hearts, not meant to be less than 100% for love and look to fill a void. You used love to add value, used love as the fanciest and most bass-ass armor a level 100 Blood-Elf Paladin can buy. Even without that armor, you were still a level 100 Blood Elf Paladin. Sure, some armor would be nice, would make life more enjoyable for certain, but you didn’t NEED it to live. It was a plus, an extra, something you could desire and spend your time looking for until the one that suited you was there, and you could tailor it and dye it all kinds of colors and mend it when it would rip, etc etc. You made love something that added to life while I made love my life. Life has love, which is wonderful and the reason why the red fern grows, but love AS life? Love like that is what makes soul-crushing music like this hurt so good, right?

“Don’t drop me, it’s not my turn

If you cut deep then I might learn

That you scarred and left me

Like a sunburn.

Don’t drop me, it’s not my turn

If you cut deep then I might learn

That you scarred and left me

Like a sunburn.”

You are a sunburn; you came with happy times spent in sunny days, and you left me with the coming of autumn and the bright orange leafs. So were you ever really there? Will I have any physical reminders of your love on my person? I once heard that every cell in our entire body is destroyed and replaced every seven years. So in a short seven years I will have a body that you will have never touched, huh. The thought is both beautiful and the saddest fucking thing I have ever heard.

“Where we never even tried

Never even talked

Never even thought in the long run.

Whenever it was painful,

Whenever I was away, I’d miss you

And I miss you.”

Forever ended. Time was supposed to stand still, but that’s not how clocks work. The seconds turned into blurry months, and you weren’t there for any of them. I was never foolish enough to think I was the only person to have ever feel such a heartbreak. I felt a love so deep that even when it ended I spent my time lingering on a similar set of eyes, but substitutes will always leave a sour aftertaste to sting the tongue, and a bitter glare to match. I feel the pain of being alone. I feel the pain of an uncertain future. I feel the pain of a missing heart. And I miss you. Ed my friend, you know me all too well…